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I feel like my life is an emotional rollarcoaster and I can't stop, and want to jump off of. Three thiry this afternoon I was happy. Very happy actually, I was talking with friends, going to auditions, having a good time. When I am having a lot of fun, and espeically when I'm going for auditions I always get extremely wired and hyper. And at this time I was. Only this one girl says sometime negative to me about the fact I was being over dramatic (someone had said MacBeth... and I screamed and made them leave the theatre... pretty standard reaction for me.) She even said that "I just don't understand you." No, I'm sorry but no one should understand me. No one. If you do than that's scary. And she made me feel very condescended to. There is nothing that hurts me and makes me feel more rotton than when people make me feel young and stupid.
Then yadda yadda... went through auditions... yadda yaddda... the director got me to read part of the balcony scene, and then I did Juliet's "Gallop apace you firey footed steeds..." speech. I feel like I did a decent performance of both. Then more auditions... yadda yadda... Then she asked me to do the nurse's speech. I don't want to be the nurse, I really don't because I want a challenge, and I don't think the nurse would provide the challenge that I am looking for right now. But I was happy, and read it and yadda yadda.... until I finished, which was when I was hit with this backlash of mental thoughts about being cast as the nurse, and so forth and so forth. I was frustrated and upset. I admit, it was over a stupid thing, but my mind works in strange ways. So as everyone was leaving the theatre, I probably looked qutie disgruntled. So what... I'm a teenager etc... I go through a lot of mental trauma. It didn't help that I had performed miserable on a Physics test that afternoon.
However the director actually noticed.... and she talked to me afterward. And I just felt like I was suddenly was getting this attention I didn't want. I just wanted to talk to my friends, and mellow out, get out some frustration. Instead in the heat of the moment the director is talking to me. Saying how "my job is more difficult than yours because I had to cast the show, and tell about thirty girls they can't have parts." It felt like a guilt trip. It felt like I was being made out to be stupid, and that I was acting immature. She told me how hard it is in the acting buisness, and that I have to get used to being shot down without going through such anxiety. God... I felt like a fucking moron. I felt stupid, immature and childish. I felt like the lowest life form on the face of the earth all because of the way I was feeling. All because of this out of control emotions that I can't control. To add to this all, the same girl who said to me earlier that she doesn't understand me, come and bascially called me a bitch. I guess I had been laughing during someones audition. (There are any number of reasons I was laughing- I was hyper to begin with, I was sitting beside a friend of mine, I had heard the same speech fifty billion times and was getting bored of it, I don't know the exact reason, but I guarantee you it wasn't because of the girls performance.) But I guess this girl was upset, and if I see her again I plan on apologizing to her, because I didn't mean to offend her. Plus this girl continued to say she doesn't understand me. And it was all said with this tone of voice that really bugs me... this condescending, "you stupid little idoit" voice... and it hurt me. Although she did come down later and apologize for being like a bitch... but the scary thing is she's right.
posted by">Hayley @
2:35 PM
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Wednesday, September 18, 2002  |
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